Edition: December 1st, 2021
Curated by the Knowledge Team of ICS Career GPS
- Excerpts from article by Melody Wilding, published on Harvard Business Review
At some point in our careers, we’ve all encountered a talkative colleague. They may be the person who constantly pings you on work messenger throughout the day, who drops by your desk unannounced to monologue about their weekend, or calls you up saying they need to chat for 10 minutes (which turns into an hour).
The solution is clear that you need to set boundaries with your chatty colleague.
However, some people resist doing so because they do not want to come across as rude.
If you fear that setting boundaries with the over-talker in your life would offend them or otherwise rupture your relationship, consider the cost of continuing to tolerate this behaviour.
You might think you’re being generous or patient by listening to them on end, but you’re simply letting resentment fester that’s toxic to your emotional well-being and productivity.
You have a responsibility to yourself and to the rest of your team to set limits in a compassionate, diplomatic way that still allows you to get your work done.
Here are 6 tips to set boundaries with a chatty co-worker:
1. Preempt: State how much time you have available for the interaction.
- Take a moment to think about the loquacious colleagues you work with on a regular basis. Identifying these individuals ahead of time allows you to anticipate and better prepare for interactions with them.
- At the beginning of your meeting or conversation, clearly state your boundary.
- Specifically, let them know how much time you have available to speak.
- You don’t necessarily need to provide an explanation as to why you have to hop off. Your need to rest, take a break, or get your tasks done is enough justification.
- It’s important that you adhere to your boundary, ending at the time you said you needed to. If you don’t, you teach the other person that it’s okay not to respect your requests or take them seriously.
2. As you near your deadline, drive the dialogue towards a close.
- Let’s say you have told your colleague that you have another meeting at the top of the hour.
- As you approach the 45 minute mark of your meeting, explicitly flag it and begin summarising.
- That could sound like, “I have 15 minutes left to chat. With the time we have remaining, let’s shift toward discussing next steps.”
3. Perfect the art of interruption.
- Interjecting can be hard, but it’s not impossible. You can add in hand gestures, gently raising your hand or index finger.
- If you’re meeting virtually, type in the chat that you have something to share so the meeting leader can call on you.
- Unmuting yourself is also another signal that you’d like to speak.
- There may be times when you have to more forcefully interject.
- Here you can use an assertiveness technique known as the broken record. This involves stating one phrase repeatedly in an even-handed tone.
4. Bring in your perspective.
- When setting boundaries, it’s important to use the “I” language to express your thoughts and feelings and take ownership of your perspective.
- That means start speaking with first-person language (I, me, my) versus second-person language (you, yours, yourself). In practice this can sound like:
- I’m on a deadline and can’t chat right now.
- In order to be at my best, I really need time to focus. Thanks for respecting that.
- I feel overstretched at the moment and don’t have the brain space to contribute to this conversation in the way I’d like to. Can we connect next week?
- I know in the past I’ve been able to offer support around this issue, but I have new priorities that require my attention.
- I’m nervous to say this, but I’m making an effort to communicate more authentically. I have to share that I feel our conversations are imbalanced. Can we discuss how to fix this?
5. Make it clear that there’s a certain time for such conversations.
- The chatty colleagues in your workplace may often come to you with questions, seeking advice and guidance.
- In such a case, create systems to streamline requests that come your way so that you’re not being interrupted at all times.
- Create “office hours” — designated blocks of time when team members can drop in for impromptu discussions, troubleshooting and more.
6. Have a big picture conversation.
- Your colleague’s talkativeness may eventually warrant a broader feedback conversation.
- This is crucial if the chattiness is having an outsized negative impact on you or your team, resulting in tardiness or lost productivity.
- If this is the case, start by taking the opportunity to reset expectations for your working relationship.
- Review your hours and availability, how you structure meeting agendas, and the conditions you both need to do your best work.
While setting boundaries with others — including your co-workers — can be difficult, it’s an exercise in building your confidence. Every time you assert a limit you prove to yourself that your desires, preferences and energy are important and should be valued as much as anyone else’s.
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(Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in the article mentioned above are those of the author(s). They do not purport to reflect the opinions or views of ICS Career GPS or its staff.)
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