Curated by the Knowledge Team of ICS Career GPS
Education
Listen and Connect: How Parents can support Teens’ Mental Health right now
Excerpts from the article by Deborah Farmer Kris published in KQED
Katie Hurley, an adolescent psychotherapist and author of the new book, A Year Of Positive Thinking For Teens, says that in her practice, she has seen the toll of these last several months. “It sounds really simple, but the thing that teenagers are craving the most is connection and listening because this is hard for everyone,” she said.
Here are some tips she mentions for parents to support their teens’ mental health during these challenging times:
1. Take Your Own Emotional Temperature
With so much of school and social life occurring over screens, parents offer their children a vital physical presence. Hurley encourages adults to check their own emotional thermometer throughout the day. Our children are watching how we react and our responses matter, says Hurley. “Children take their cues first from us, always. We are their people.” But adults do not need to be paragons of positivity. We don’t have to pretend it’s easy, says Hurley. Instead, we can talk about how we are feeling with teens.
2. Check-In Without Interviewing
Teens need adults to keep an eye on them right now, but sometimes how we check-in can inadvertently increase anxiety. “We have to practise checking in with them in non-threatening ways,” says Hurley. That means putting a stop to “constantly interviewing kids about what homework they’ve done, what they’ve sent in and what’s still outstanding.” Hurley says the most common response she’s hearing from kids right now is that they are lonely.
3. Meet Them Where They Are
Parents often report that their teens are not coming to them for support. But they are, Hurley says. Sometimes teens seek to connect over play through video games, cards, basketball, jigsaw puzzles, etc. “Play is how kids connect at all ages,” says Hurley.
As Harvard psychologist Nancy Hill once noted, “Parenting teens is like hugging a cactus. Even as the ‘warm fuzzies’ are not often reciprocated, teens still need them, still need to know they are loved unconditionally.” According to a study she authored, parental warmth amplifies all other parenting strategies, even when teens distance themselves from parents.
4. Listen Your Way Through Their Problems
The best thing parents and caregivers can give teens right now is the undivided attention of listening, empathising and compassion, says Hurley. When teens do share their worries, resist the urge to either minimise or solve the problem for them.
“They want you to listen your way through their problems so that they have somebody to vent to and bounce ideas off,” says Hurley. In the face of this empathetic listening, teens often start to solve their own problems. The hardest part for parents is to just listen and not share our own ideas because we know what’s worked for us. If teens struggle to come up with their own next steps, adults can reaffirm that “there’s no easy answer,” says Hurley.
5. Drowning Doesn’t Build Resilience
When teens are in distress, sometimes parents think, “I need to step away from you. You have to figure it out all by yourself.” And while adolescents are highly capable problem-solvers, we don’t need to leave them to go it alone. “That’s not resilience. That’s loneliness,” says Hurley. “We know from years and years of research that human beings need each other. We are supposed to help each other out. We aren’t supposed to be drowning in a stormy sea without a life ring.” Rather, she says, teens need adults to be the anchors to hold them steady.
6. Practise Zooming Out & Finding Purpose
As humans, we tend to zoom in to hyper-focus on what we think is important. For parents of teens, that often includes grades, test scores and the college process. But what if those aren’t the right places to focus our lenses right now? Hurley says, “We have to hit pause, zoom out and say, ‘What other things can our kids learn during this time?’ And if a teen has a hard time thinking outside of themselves right now – beyond what they are feeling and missing – that doesn’t mean they are selfish. It just means that they’re human and they’re struggling.
7. Look for Small Pieces of Happiness
For parents who are struggling to find their own equilibrium, Hurley suggests looking for small pieces of happiness and hope each day. “We have this tendency to kind of hitch our wagons to big ideas and big things. But right now, we need to dial that back and look for the small things. So, if siblings who have been fighting for six months straight are not fighting as much anymore, that’s kind of a big thing.” Likewise, if a teen who is struggling in school finds a new interest – from bird-watching to cooking to Garage band compositions – “that’s a big win right there; we have to look for these little, big things.”
Career
Four tips for mentees and mentors
Excerpts from article by Dave Wilkin published in The Globe And Mail
For those who have never had a mentor before, it can be difficult to understand the subtleties of this unique relationship.
In an ideal world, every mentor would take the necessary time to help young people develop their networking skills and become a better mentee.
Here, Bridget King, IBM’s talent acquisition manager for early professional hiring and a mentor to many promising young adults, walks us through the first interaction – from preparation to follow-up.
1. Find Points of Interest
Whether it’s a formal business meeting or an informal coffee chat, it’s always important to arrive prepared. “I really appreciate when someone has taken the time to do their research and identify common connectors or interest points,” King says.
Further, as you conduct your research, jot down any questions or topics you want to discuss, and refer to that list during the conversation. Look for volunteer, education and work experiences and prepare questions to understand why they did these experiences, how they helped and if there are similar experiences you could enroll in.
2. Be Curious and Explore
Mentees are always encouraged to prepare for meetings with mentors, but there is such a thing as over-preparing. Having some idea of the mentor’s past work experiences and educational background is encouraged, but it’s also important not to dig into more personal details.
“It’s a little uncomfortable when someone comes with too much information about you, so there definitely is a line,” says King. “Just stick to where they work, what they do, their education, volunteer experiences, those sorts of things.”
3. Talk about your Future, ask about their Past
If you’re struggling to come up with questions and conversation starters, there are a few topics you can always fall back on. Mentors are encouraged to share information about their past, such as how they made important career decisions and how they got to where they are now. Mentees, on the other hand, are encouraged to discuss their future ambitions, what work experiences would be most interesting, and even share job postings at potential companies that might be a fit.
4. Set Goals & Next Steps
As your first conversation is ending, a mentee should know that it’s very much okay to be clear about the next steps, what your goals are, and ask the mentor for help. The mentee should request a follow-up meeting, while the mentor should be open about their boundaries of the relationship moving forward and how the mentee can best approach.
“If they don’t hear from the mentee for a couple of months, they might forget who they are,” warns King. It’s best to open your calendars during the actual meeting, find dates that work for both of you and send a calendar invite.
“A lot of students don’t message the mentor first because they’re afraid of bothering them,” she says. It’s important for the mentor to put it out there, ‘Hey, I’m here, if you need anything give me a call, don’t assume I’m too busy.’
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